books

just because i am an open book doesn't mean i will read myself to you, i am incapable of such. I am not a book on tape, i am a physical thing you need to pick up and read, take time with, give your full attention to. i realize that makes me difficult. i take more time than this world is bred to give anything anymore. and its not like i can say i'm worth it, i'm just an average girl. and i find myself pretty simple to read im not written in Shakespearian or hebrew highschool english at best emotions are straight forward i could be easily predicted. i'd never be worthy of a nobel peace prize probably never even picked up by a major publisher, too common. not intriguing enough. I'm just me, i don't have a fancy cover or flowery language, cant say i'm full of great adventure or romance or comedy,you'd probably never know me from anything else in the library thats if anyone goes to libraries anymore and if they do go if they even take a glance at the decorative pieces on the wall of witch i identify with. (books that is. if you're even still following me, i know i'm not within 140 characters.) but if you've known me for 8 years, 21 years, my whole life... i would be hard-pressed to find you not knowing me. but that seems to be the case. maybe the truth is i'm not as simple as i seem to be. or maybe people really don't feel i'm worth the time it takes to read me. am i just a coffee table decoration have i just been sitting there this whole time worth keeping around cuz i look good, make you feel smarter, just cuz i've always been there? i don't know the answers and if i did i probably wouldn't like them. so ill try this pretending you know me, it works for you i guess, maybe ill see how it works.

communication breaks

its another night gone sleepless.

but today cant end. its not over. and even as tomorrow starts i wont except the end of today.

Tonight was hard. my instinct is to worry, and my worry wont let me sleep. plus sleep comes at the end of a day, and todays not over. Things said, things unsaid, things i wish could be unsaid, it all adds up to an endless night.

Communication is something i am lacking in. not in a sense of the inability to speak, although i think that might serve me better, but in the sense of expressing my true emotions, feelings, thoughts, desires. Expression i guess would be a better way of putting it. i lack expression on many levels (communicative, artistic). i wish i could express in some way. wether it be comprehensible writing, painting, music, even just in speech, some sort of expression is an essential part of life of which i am truely void.

a fly on the wall

Being a fly on the wall would suck. Sometimes i feel like one. Always seeing what is happening not being able to do anything about it. maybe it comes from being a young child at the time of my parents divorce. I saw everything. they were not sly about their problems, but being 2, 3, 4 years old there is nothing i could have done. now grown up seeing people hurt or hurting people, i feel helpless to do anything about it. No one touches my sisters, i mean me and her we'd die for each other and on a few occasions its almost come to that. but others, other than them. I care, Oh man do i care, i just don't know what to do. I'd like to say every so often, but it would be m ore accurate to say, frequently all my care and worries and emotions boil up into me crying hysterically over nothing or what would seem like nothing. today was one of those days.

A fly on the wall, sees all, cant talk, powerless to physically do anything even with six feet and two wings and the ability to fly. A fly could get annoying, fly in your face a bit, buzz near your ear; but deter a person from whatever activity he or she is taking part in or whatever he or she is saying, never. I guess it could be the one fly that the old lady swallowed, i don't know why she did that, perhaps she'll die. but even that might take a period of time and she probably finished whatever activity or speech she was taking part in at the time before her time finally came. I'm guessing its time to find that old lady and zoom down her throat, even if just for the chance that she perhaps might eventually die. and whatever further harm she could have experienced or caused would never exist. I guess the sooner the better. (i hope you all understand this is a metaphor and i will be in noway trying to kill old ladies. But only to keep people from harming themselves or others by doing my part stepping up and doing/saying something about it. the metaphor comes from a nursery rhyme 'i know an old lady who swallowed a fly, i don't know why she swallowed a fly, perhaps she'll die.' twisted, yes but i didn't write it and what nursery rhyme isn't a little nutty.)

(also, one day i will be able to express my self with out ridiculous metaphors i make up on spot to desensitize the true meaning of what i am saying.)

If I wasnt me, I'd be an anarchist

The truth is i would. I believe in the Freedom that could really only come from true anarchy. And not the Anarchy that everyone thinks of when they hear the world. True anarchy has nothing to do with vandalism and anger. Its all about community and helping each other while all being equal. which is the basis of our so called government but our government screwed everything up. It will never exist not in my life time not with the mind set that we have in america. but anyway Anarchy.

And to be honest if i wasnt me i'd be a lot different. But in any sense I'd be punk. Different forms but the basis is all the same. I really hate our government i really hate our consumerism i really hate our stupid plastic society. I am Glad I am me. and the world probably is too.

I'm a nice person.

Life Death Love Etc. Importance in life? no. Everything is meaningless.

so cal

as one door closes one more opens, is this to say that if a door opens that one has to close? what if we like having options???

Life is ours for the taking, any door any time, whats behind door #3???
luckily life does not have to be so much of a game show experience. We all have talents Passions Loves Desires we also havethings we despise. It's up to us what we choose. where we choose to go what we choose to wear. our life is a constant game of choices. voluntary on every level. What shoes to wear what outfit to wear what to eat where to sit, to sit to stand to get out of bed to take a step to type a letter on the key board and which letter to type. every move made is a decision is a choice. Why do we feel so confined so forced to do things in a certain way. Why is the color of our hair important or the shoes we wear the car we drive?
Life is yours Take it live Happy Live Love live your dream and live it to the max extreme

A Jettie

I dont know what it is but from the sound of the first vave crashing its a feeling like no other. It's exciting its rejuvinating, it's overwhelming, it's new life, new beginings and its ends. Waves are so powerful to think about it everything here is made from the waves; the sand, the sound, the wind, the mist, the smells. thinking further, the beach is something anyone can enjoy; the deaf, the blind; someone with a really bad sinus issue who cant smell, its beauty in every form. Tonight is exceptionally beautiful, (and I've lived in california my whole life, it's not something i haven't seen before. ) tonight it's taken on a whole new light, i couldnt sasy for sure but. maybe it's the moon, its only half tonight but with the sky unusually clear it is extremely bright. Maybe it's the stars twinkling. maybe it's the amazing reflection of a cars headlights as it passes,(which is oddly dazzling). Maybe, Maybe it's just me.
to reflect back on my theory of the beach being a place for anyone i just passes 3 kids somking pot, a young couple kissing in the moonlight, and an elderly couple jogging(trying to hang on to that last bit of youth), then if you listen and look beyond the beauty of the waves, you can see the late night bikers up on the trail, the dedicated dog walkers, more joggers more couples (enjoying the beach from a far, unwilling to get their shoes a little sandy, then you hear up on the streets the parties at the bars. (to mention it is 10:30 on a thursday in October, obviously the beacch is enjoyable by not only everyone but at any time of night of any time of year). A wave crashes bringing you back once again to the serenity of the beach.
there looks to be a boat off in the distance, i couldnt imagine what theyre doing, i hope theyre not in trouble.
I've made my way down a jettie. i'm at the furthest, highest point (something i've never been able to accomplish with friends and family always telling me its too dangerous.(a deffinate benefit of coming here alone). it's nice up here, all other sounds are drowned out, all that is apparent is the waves the moon and me. I dont think anyone can see me here, not that there's anyone around to see, but it adds to the affect of the waves the serenity of now.
the tides rising i should head back

Leaving

I guess, what with my steady amazing job, amazing relation ship with the one that will be my husband, the rebuilding of relationship with my dad, reuniting with old friends, strenghthening my family, i wasnt ready to put it all on hold again. Campbell California is my home it's where I'm happy. "home is where you make it darling" i just cant seem to make it here. I know when i get back there, though it won't be for long, it will be just as i left it. My friends are still my friends, Moises is still in love with me as i am him even more than ever, my dad and i will just keep getting closer, my family and i will reunite with love and more stories, my town will be the same a few new things added, a few old things gone, but still the same. But 3 weeks home every 6 months gone is so hard. It's not long enough to feel satisfied, too long to not feel the connection. It's just enough time to get settled comfterable happy and have it ripped at it's prime leaving me empty and wanting again. I miss home. still 3 years. maybe more. 21 (then to get married as soon as i can hopefully engaged before i graduate.)I just need to stay focused but home is always on my mind. 61 days till i see everyone again. then 6 months. crazy cycle.(maybe i can transfer to somewhere better than san diego, its an alright town but im more bitter towards this place and my mom is no help) i need something fresh, but whatever i do i need to stay focused. i love everyone i need to see every one.
61 days...